Navy Wife

We've all heard the term.  We've used it over and over.  In a town like San Diego, it's become almost axiomatic that your next door neighbor, or your child's friends Mom, someone you meet at the gym or the grocery store or anywhere in everyday life is likely to be a Navy Wife.  It's a special term with special connotations.  Special because the people who can proudly claim that title are special, amazing, strong, independent, loving women.

Now...let me stop and insert the required politically correct disclaimer.  I'm really talking about the Navy spouse.  Women and men.  Today's Navy is populated by men and women.  All jobs are done by those most qualified.  I was struck while attending a Change of Command last month at how gender integrated those in uniform, both in the command and in the audience, were.  In fact, I'm pretty confident that today's Navy couldn't do its mission without everybody, both men, and women, doing their jobs.  The fact is that gender has finally started to become irrelevant when it comes to getting the job done.  Having said that, it wasn't always that way.  Back in my day, as in the 70's, 80's, and 90's, that wasn't remotely the case.  The work of incorporating women fully into the force was slow in coming and really didn't accelerate until the late 90's.  So the tail end of my career coincided with the real integration of women in the force.  And with that integration came the inevitable change in the spousal culture.  What was the Navy Wife, became the Navy Spouse.  Now, I'm not taking one single thing away from all those great men who support their wives in their Navy career.  They've got their own burdens to bear and I'm sure some are similar and some are different.  But this post isn't about the Navy spouse.  It's about the Navy Wife.  As in the Navy Wife of my day.  No offense to anyone today...it's just not about you.

And it's not about the military wife.  Because here's the deal.  All military wives bear a certain burden.  All military wives are heroic.  They live with separation, anxiety, uncertainty, the stress of low pay, children growing up as nomads and long times of Dads not being around.

But, in my humble opinion, and because I'm so close to it, there is a uniqueness to the burden that Navy Wives bear.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing, like standing on the pier as the ship pulls in all lines, backs slowly away and disappears over the horizon.  One of my favorite movies is, probably not surprisingly, "Master and Commander" with Russell Crowe.  It's the story of a Royal Navy Frigate plying the waters on the other side of the world from England back in the day when ships were made of wood and winds in the sails were their power source.  It has many lessons in leadership.  But my favorite is the independence of a ship at sea and the authority of the Captain.  At one point the Captain gives a speech to his men and declares that the ship they are in is England.  "This is England", he says.  The analogy continues to this day.  As a ship sails away, she is on her own.  Although she will have communication and connectivity ashore, she is really on her own.  And the people of the ship make life and death decisions every single day.  The unknowns are huge.  The risks are always present.   Decisions have to be made in an instant.  Decisions that can be life or death.  And the Navy wife knows this.

From the minute her husband leaves until he returns 6, 7, 8 or however many months later, she is on her own.  Oh, she has a support system.  There are a lot of systems to help like Family Services, Navy Relief, Organizational support systems, ombudsmen, friends, relatives, etc.  But the reality is that she is on her own.  She has the kids 24/7.  She manages the money.  She gets the cars fixed, the leaks fixed, the dog fed, the kids to sports, goes to teacher conferences, entertains other wives, helps other wives, makes major decisions, and a myriad of other things all the while wondering where her husband is, what he is doing, and if he's okay.  She is missing her best friend, her confidant, her lover, and, in many cases, the person who has been making decisions for her.

Age, experience, background, and so many other things can determine how she's going to manage, but really there is no predicting.  I've seen many who I thought were rocks fall apart.  And I've seen many who I thought incredibly fragile rise to the occasion.  So each Navy Wife handles things in their own manner.  There is no stereotyping or pigeonholing.  Some work and some don't.  Some have kids and some don't.  Some are involved in a myriad of things and some aren't.  Some are athletic and some aren't.  And on and on and on.  The point is that each is an individual.  But they are bound by a common lifestyle.  Common difficulties and common joys.  How they handle it is all over the map.  But generally, they are heroic.  The things that they have done and continue to do is awesome.

And there is another interesting phenomenon that drives me and many Navy Wives I know crazy.  It's the well-meaning friend, relative or neighbor who asks her, "how do you do it?".  How do you do it?  You just do it.  What is the alternative?  If you've made a commitment, if you are in love, if you have a foundation...then you just do it. There is no choice.  Of course, some decide they don't want to do it and exit either by leaving the Navy or leaving the relationship, which is okay.   But while you're doing it, you just do it.

My admiration for anyone who is a Navy Wife knows no bounds.  I can't even really describe in words how difficult it is, how courageous they are, and what a wonderful role model they are for anyone facing difficulty.