Funny...But Chillingly Familiar

I've seen this before but thought I'd post it to bring a smile (or grimace) to my Navy friends. If you haven't been there, it might not make sense. But if you have, we'll...I'm laughing with you...

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. This will give you the feeling of space. (1a. Submariners - Black outside, Pea Green inside)

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls and ceilings.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall through the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. 

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house and yard.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip, bruise your shins, or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower and snow blower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family read the operating manuals qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands on deck, heave out and trice up!" 

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then stand in ranks at attention in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit - in triplicate - to your father-in-law asking permission to leave your house before 1600.

17. Empty all the garbage bins and GI cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day,
whether it needs it or not. Have your wife shout, "Now hear this! Sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms! Sweep down all decks, ladders and passageways! Clean sweep down fore and aft! Empty all butt kits and dump trash off the fantail!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one - followed by the same one every night.

20. When your children are asleep in bed, run into their rooms with a megaphone shouting "General quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!"

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a memo on the hatch (doorway) to the kitchen informing your family that there's been a change to the menu - they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread and a warm soda... (mid-rats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off randomly during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast
as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your trousers into your socks. Run out into the backyard, uncoil the garden hose and simulate putting out a fire.

26. Every week or two, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout.... "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Aye! Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. Yell throughout the house, "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the berthing quarters!" Then, for aircraft carrier sailors, immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into the roof of your house.

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. (Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)

31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, strap a two-inch mattress on his back, lash yourself to it and turn him loose in the garage for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers, boiler tenders, and machinist mates: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front. 

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric, gas and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar and drink beer until you are hammered. Walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for Liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection by the IG Staff and it will be another week before they'll be allowed to leave the house, assuming the inspection is passed