Navy Humor

Got the series of stories below from an old shipmate.  If you're attuned at all to the rivalry and camaraderie amongst the ranks in the military, you'll appreciate this humor.

"THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS HEARD IN THE US NAVY"

A Seaman saying "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying "Trust me, sir..."
An Ensign saying "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this sh$t..."

NOW THEY TELL ME

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Chief was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible. The Chief pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, he responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Chief sadly shook his head, and in true US Navy fashion exclaimed........ And all these years I've been chewing gum.

NAVAL OFFICERS and NAVY CHIEFS 

A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train to a conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Naval Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Chiefs will finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the Chiefs calls out: "The conductor is coming!". At once, all the Chiefs jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Naval Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please!" One of the Chiefs slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round. For the return trip the Naval Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Chiefs didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Chiefs announces again: "The conductor is coming!" Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely 
walk to the other toilet. Before the last Chief enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the 
Naval Officers and says: "Ticket, please!"

Moral of the story? -- Officers like to use the methods of the Chiefs, but they don't really understand them.

MASTER CHIEF AND 3 LIEUTENANTS

One day, a Master Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them. They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Master Chief mentioned he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the sources of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Master Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Master Chief then told the Lt on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Master Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Master Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Master Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy . The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy . The Master Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

ROUTE TO BECOMING AN ADMIRAL

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, " Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tightlipped smile, “ Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims: “ Master Chief Petty Officer , United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

SEAMANSHIP TEST

One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.
"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?" "Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."
"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?" "Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"

OLD SALT

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. “No Chief has ever made it into Heaven – you’ll find none of 'em here."

So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm.

Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"
"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

A WISE OLD MASTER CHIEF ONCE SAID

A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Master Chief, " the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition.
First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star.
Does that answer your question?"
"Yes Master Chief" replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"
"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

THE CHIEF AND THE GUNNY

An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa , clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Mac Arthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam . We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"